A Week in the Life of Final Fantasy IX
by Chibi Kairi
Summary: The cast of Final Fantasy IX meets up again, but by complete accident. What adventures will the gang have next? Find out, here!
1. Welcome!

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A Week in the Life of Final Fantasy IX

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Me: Welcome to the fantasiest show on Earth! This week, we're taking an exclusive view in on the wonder game, Final Fantasy IX! Now, before we start, my good friend Eiko has something to say to you all!

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Eiko: _(as camera pans in on her) _The author doesn't own Final Fantasy IX. But Squaresoft does…. And I'm in FFIX, so suck on that! _(sticks out tongue)_

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Me: _(does the same back to Eiko)_ Er… just read the story.

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Voice Over: Our story starts here, in the town of Alexandria, where our good friends from Final Fantasy IX are taking turns visiting each other. Just so you know what has been happening, I will keep you notified. As you all know, not every game has a happy ending. Well, our favourite character Kuja.. _(stops and listens to something)_ WHAT?! You mean, he's NOT our favourite character?! WHO gave me these cue cards?! _(hears stifled giggles)_

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(camera pans in on Eiko, who is seemingly running away from something in the streets of Alexandria)

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Eiko: _(stops running)_ I.. hope… that… rusty… old… knight… with… the… moogle… isn't… following… me… any… more… *puff, wheeze* _(hears clanking noise_) OH NO!

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Rusty Old Knight with Moogle: _(chases Eiko)_

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Eiko: GAHHHHHHH!!! _(runs into a wall, knocking herself unconscious)_

Rusty Old Knight with Moogle: LAYDEE EIKO! LAYDEE EIKO! _(picks her up and runs off again)_

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(camera pans in on a room, which is supposedly in the Alexandrian Castle)

Eiko: _(sleeping quietly on bed)_

(suddenly the door opens, and a figure appears)

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Figure: Eiko.. Eiko.. EIKO! Are you alright?

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Eiko: Whoozawazza?

Figure: EIKO!

Eiko: Who's there?! I'm armed! _(sits up and picks up a pillow)_

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Figure: It's me.. Queen Garnet.. or Dagger.. or Sarah. You decide.

Eiko: _(flings herself at the figure) _DAGGGGGGGGGER!

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Dagger: _(hugs the little girl, a little stunned)_ Eiko, hello.

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Eiko: Where's ol' Ziddy?

Dagger: What do you mean by that?_ (hands on hips)_

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Eiko: Well, you married him, dincha? 

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Dagger: …….. No. _(mumbles) _Though I wish I did.

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Eiko: What was that? Didn't quite catch that last part.

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Dagger: Nothing.

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Eiko: It's good to see ya again! I haven't seen you in.. er… how many fingers do I have?

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Dagger: Exactly how hard did you hit your head?

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Eiko: _(shrugs) _I have… 16 fingers.. so… I haven't seen you in 3 years!

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Dagger: I'd say it's been about so long since we last saw each other.

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Eiko: You don't have to speak so formally! Zidane told me how he taught you to speak like us!

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Dagger: I guess all that training wore off. 

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Eiko: Oh yeah, before I forget, who was the Rusty Old Knight with the Moogle?

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Dagger: I think it was Steiner. With a moogle who was trying to give a message to you, I believe.

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Eiko: Oh… what was the message?

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Dagger: It was a note from an Unspeakable.

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Eiko: ….?!

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Dagger: Someone who works at the Ministry of Magic…

Eiko: ????????!

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Dagger: Oops… wrong story… _(mumbles) _Note to self: Burn all Harry Potter books in Alexandria.

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Eiko: What did it say, Dags?

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Dagger: 0_o I believe the note cordially invited you to attend the Festival of Hunt, which is indeed being held in Lindblum.

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Eiko: YAY!!!! I've never seen one of these before! Will you come?!

Dagger: YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!! I'm going too!

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Eiko: Let's head off to Lindblum. If we're lucky, the train that goes through the water could be open today. _(runs out of room)_

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Dagger: Train?! _(quizzical glance at the place Eiko was, before following her with curiousity)_

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(pan out on Eiko's room at Alexandria Castle)

(pan in on Dagger and Eiko standing beside each other on… {not a water train} an airship)

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Eiko: I can't believe we're here! Finally, we're in Lindblum!

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Dagger: I get to see Uncle Cid again! 

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Eiko: YAY! DADDY!

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Dagger: Daddy?

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Eiko: He.. er… what's the word… adopted me?_ (she holds Dagger's hand as the pair jump off the airship and onto flat ground)_

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Dagger: Really? You're my sort of adopted cousin then! _(smiles disdainfully)_

(fade out on the two friends walking into Lindblum)

(pan in on the two in the Business District, talking about the Festival of Hunt, which is being held tomorrow)

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Eiko: WOAH!_ (accidently runs into someone) _HEY, YOU! HOW DARE YOU – _(cut off)_ Dagger! It's him! It's SO Z… _(trails off as the person turns around)_ SO not Zidane. _(hides behind Dagger as she walks up)_

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Dagger: Zidane? _(Eiko peeps at the person from behind Dagger's posterior) _

Person: _(is dressed like a bum, with a ratty old jacket that has suede patches on the elbows. His blonde hair is scraggly and hasn't been cut for awhile. Not to mention his beard, which reaches his upper chest. Dirty smudges are all over his face, the person also has a black eye from being knocked there. Beer cans are littered around his feet)_ ???

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Dagger: Oh, sorry, I mistook you for someone else… someone I once knew.

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Bum: Did you call me Zidane?

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Dagger: Yes…

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Bum: I was once called that. But I don't know what happened to that name. *burp*

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Dagger: !!!! Zidane?! What the… excuse me for swearing… hell happened to you?

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Bum, who is supposedly Zidane: Uh.. lemme place you in my head..

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Dagger: !!!!

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Eiko: ?????

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Zidane: Yeah.. I remember you… you're Helga, right?

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Dagger: No! _(hands on hips)_

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Zidane: Christine?

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Dagger: NO!

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Zidane: Oh, I know. You're Ratchel, the girl from next door.

Dagger: I'm Queen Garnet of Alexandria, but you knew me as Dagger. 

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Zidane: _(shakes head, seemingly comes to senses)_ Dagger?! Is it really you?

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Dagger:_ (whimpers) _You.. forgot me? Ziiiiihhh---danee! 

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Zidane: Why are you here anyway?

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Dagger: The Festival of Hunt, of course. Why are you here?

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Zidane: Uhh… I forget.

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Dagger: Eiko, guide him up to the castle. Ask Mister Artania and Regent Cid if they'll clean him up a little. I have a few errands to run first. I'll meet you back up there, okay?

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Eiko: Yes ma'am! _(takes Zidane's arm)_

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(fade out on Dagger walking into a shop)

(pan in on Zidane and Eiko, chatting merrily as she brushes his hair. Zidane is sitting on a stool in the middle of the Conference Room)

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Zidane: Why are you here Eiko?

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Eiko: I was invited for the hunt. Dagger decided to come along with me, for fun. I wonder where she is…

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Zidane: Dagger… _(mumbles) _what happened to us?

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Eiko: It's so obvious you two are still super hot for each other, even if it has been a few years _(begins plucking stray hairs from Zidane's tail)_

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Zidane: Owwiee… you've grown up a lot, Eiko. How old are you? 7?

Eiko: Gee, you really did drink too much milk. I'm 36, you dummy. [A/N- She was hit on the head, remember?!]

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Zidane: You're older than me?!

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Eiko: _(nods)_

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Zidane: Damn little brat. 

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Eiko: _(innocently) _Gee whiz, by golly, I've been a hankering to see you too.

(pan in on the door, as it slams open, whilst Dagger walks in holding three shopping bags)

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Zidane/Eiko: Whatcha got there, Dags?

Dagger: 0_o I picked up a few things for us. As a Queen, I have practically unlimited money, and I get discounts, so… Eiko, here's a new flute, if you're going to participate in the hunt. I think it's a Angel Flute… and a few accessories for you to equip.. Zidane, I wasn't sure if you were participating or not, but I still got you a few things too. And myself a new weapon or so, of course. ^_^;;

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Eiko: GEE WHIZ! _(plays flute)_

Zidane: Spanks… no really… can I spank you?

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Dagger: …. Later.

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Eiko: Ooooooh!

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Zidane/Dagger: ^_____________________^

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Regent Cid: _(walks in, now a Hedgehog Pie)_ …..

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Eiko: Guess you cheated on Hilda again, huh, papa?

Cid: _(nods sadly)_

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Zidane: Heehee…

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Dagger: _(slips out quietly)_ Tee hee…

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Eiko: Papa, when will you learn!Mama won't be pleased with you.

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Cid: _(nods sadly once more)_

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(singing interrupts to slowly moving conversation)

"La la la la la la la la la la la la la la."

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Zidane/Eiko/Cid: DAGGER!

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Zidane: To the telescope!

(pan out on the three running upstairs)

(pan in on Dagger singing and examining the telescope with awe)

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Dagger: La la la la la la la la la la la la la la.

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Eiko: La da fa ma ba… oops, wrong tune. ^^

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Dagger: _(spreads arms wide and jumps off the side of the building… luckily, her faithful summon Ixion is there to catch her… but wait… she doesn't have Ixion…so Dagger falls..)_

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Eiko: DAGGER!!!!!!

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A/N: [Is this the untimely end of Dagger? Find out in the next episode of Batman! I mean…. A Week in the Life of Final Fantasy IX!] Read and review please. If any information is incorrect, tell me!


	2. Festival of Hunt

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A Week in the Life of Final Fantasy IX – Chapter Two

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Me: Welcome to "A Week in the Life of Final Fantasy IX!" Freya, our lovely Dragon Knight, has something to tell you all, very important.

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Freya: I believe that Final Fantasy IX does not belong to Eiko-Chan1, but belongs to Squaresoft instead. She does have a plan to eliminate Squareso-…. Oops… _(mumbles)_ Can't reveal Eiko-Chan1's master plan….

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Me: No, you can't, can you, Freya, dear?_ (grumpy) _Anyway, I'd like to thank the _(sniff)_ one reviewer for reviewing the last chapter. It is funny and wicked, I can't believe Zidane got so gross either. 0_o He's fine now… we think. Onto the next chapter of A Week in the Life of Final Fantasy IX!

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(pan in on Dagger falling off the tower)

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Eiko: DAGGER! 

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Dagger: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIEEEEEE! _(falls and falls, until she hits something solid and bounces back up)_

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Zidane: Dagger?

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Dagger: Hi Zidane! _(falls down again, giggling wildly. She lands on her dead mother's fat belly and bounces back up Her mother's body is being escorted to a burial place in Lindblum) _

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Cid: Dagger, Dagger, are you alright?

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Dagger: Uncle Cid, you should make this a new attractiooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! _(falls)_

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Eiko: You know what? That looks like fun! _(jumps off the side of the building and falls on top of Dagger, whom is still falling down. Dagger is squashed on her mother's dead body.)_

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Cid: FUN!_ (jumps off too, landing on top of Eiko, who is on top of Dagger, who is on top of her mother's dead body, who is on top of the ground… phew)_

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Zidane: Eh… what can I lose? _(jumps off too) _A/N: Maybe your life, you nincompoop! _(Zidane misses the target and looks quite similar to a pancake)_

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Cid: Ouch… that's got to hurt… 

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Dagger: ZIDANE! HE'S DEAD! _(a remote magically appears, which she picks up and presses the rewind button on. Dagger watches as Zidane is sucked off the ground and flies back up to the telescope)_

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Eiko: No he's not. He was revived….

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Zidane: _(from the top of the tower) _You could've just Phoenix Down'ed me, ya know. _(places hand behind his head and laughs at their ignorance)_

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Dagger: -_-;;; Right. Um… so Uncle Cid, when exactly is the Festival of Hunt going to start?

Cid: Uh… in about one hour, I'll say. Are you all participating? 

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Dagger: I'm not. I don't want for Mister Artania to wrench me off the ground with a spatula.

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Eiko: I am! I have a secret plan! _(grins mysteriously)_

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Zidane: Yeah, I guess I will._ (pulls out Ultima Weapon from thin air and twirls it around, but it hits something solid)_

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Something Solid: OWWWWWWIEEE! 

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Zidane: _(turns around and sees Something Solid)_ Hey…. It's Vivi! 

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Vivi: _(cocks head to the side)_ What's up Ziddane?

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Zidane: Vivi, it's spelt Z-I-D-A-N-E!

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Vivi: Alrighty!

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Zidane: Ehehe….

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Vivi: Are you participating? I am.

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Eiko: _(jumps) _We all are! Except Dags over here.

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Dagger: 0_o

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Cid: Okay. Everyone. What will you take for prizes if you win?

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Zidane: Gil, of course.

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Eiko: I'll take an add-on…

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Vivi: Card.

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Cid: Okay… gil, an add-on and a…. card. Zidane, you will start in the Business District, Vivi the Theatre and Eiko will start at the Industrial District. Get equipped now, while you can. A new rule, items have been forbidden to use. Too many people are using items. If you are a White Mage, you are lucky. Your White Magic has not been forbidden.

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Eiko: YESSSSSS! 

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Cid: Black Magic has not been forbidden either. You are available to use it against enemies. But I am warning you, this year's Festival of Hunt won't be so easy. We have a new and improved super enemy for the strong.

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(fade out on Cid grinning devilishly)

(pan in on Dagger cheering for the gang)

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Dagger: YOU CAN DO IT VIVI! NO! NOT THAT WAY! YESSSSS! THAT'S IT! GO ZIDANE! EIKO! GREAT MATCH!

Mysterious Person:_ (joins Dagger) _MASTER VIVI! A STRONG OFFENSE IS A GOOD DEFENSE!

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Dagger: Steiner! What are you doing here?

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Steiner: My wife, Beatrix and I, are having a vacation. We're travelling around the world with our three little kids. Beatrix, Beatrix and Beatrix. They're triplets.

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Dagger: _(mumbles)_ Beatrix has really changed him.

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Steiner: Princess, who are you here with?

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Dagger: Queen.

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Steiner: Queen whom?

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Dagger: _(shakes head)_ I am QUEEN Dagger, not princess. I am here with Regent Cid, Eiko, Vivi and…. _(heart eyes)_ Zidane…

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Steiner: That scoundrel! _(jumps up and down)_ I remember how he abducted you! Grrr… _(Shakes fists in that infuriating way he does)_

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Dagger: _(not paying any attention)_ Ouch! Zidane! _(watches as he spits out blood and what looks like a tooth)_

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Steiner: Yes! That's it!

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Regent Cid: _(over a megaphone) _Look! One of our contestants, Eiko, is up against the new and improved enemy for the strong! The enemy is…. 

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Eiko: BARNEY?!

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Barney: I love you, you love me, let's go and have a cookie. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won't you say I love you too? 

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(fade out on Eiko dancing and prancing around with Barney)

(Pan in on Zidane, throws sticks at it)

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Zidane: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! IT WON'T STOP SINGING! _(Stabs it with a dagger)_

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Eiko: Tee hee hee! _(gives Barney a cookie and a bright light surrounds Barney)_

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Barney: NOOOOO! SHE DISCOVERED MY WEAK SPOT! _(dissolves into a chocolate chip cookie)_

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(Message comes across the screen: Eiko can now summon Barney.)

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Zidane: GAH! I DON'T KNOW YOU!_ (runs around in a circle, flapping his arms like a headless chicken)_

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Vivi: _(casts Flare on the cookie but the cookie remains unharmed) _EIKO! @_@

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5 4 3 2 1 

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Cid: The winner of this year's contest is Eiko, with a total score of 300000000! She wins an add-on, which she has received…. The Barney Cookie. 

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Dagger: _(pukes)_

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Amarant: _(down below, puke lands on his head, he licks it) _Yum…..

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Dagger: _(covers mouth)_

(fade out on Dagger covering her mouth)

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(pan in on Cid awarding Eiko with the cookie)

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Eiko: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! _(tries to eat it, but Mister Artania runs into her from behind and she swallows it)_

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Dagger/Vivi/Zidane/Steiner/Amarant/Cid/Artania: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! _(watch as Eiko transforms into a loveable purple dinosaur: Barney)_

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A/N: What will happen? Will Eiko be the next Barney? Will Amarant ever stop liking puke? Find out on the next time of A Week in the Life of Final Fantasy IX! Read and review!


	3. Exploitations of Barney, Secret Affairs ...

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A Week in the Life of Final Fantasy IX - Chapter Three
    
    Me: It's still day one is it? _(grumbles) _Damnit, I was hoping the week was over already. Why the hell did I take the job of authoring this story? Eiko-Chan could've taken this job, but I had to take it from my mortal enemy so she wouldn't get paid…. Grr.. _(notices the camera zooming in on her)_ Ehehe… today's disclaimer person is…. Steiner! 

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Steiner: Lady Eiko-Chan1, how might you be this lovely morning?

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Me: o___0 Fine thanks Steiner. Could you just do the disclaimer?

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Steiner: It's good to hear that you are in good condition. 

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Me: DO THE FREAKING DISCLAIMER!

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Steiner: Oh, I'm great, thank you. Nice of you to ask!

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Me: SECURITYYYYYY! _(watches the security march in and drag Steiner away, who is still chatting away to thin air)_

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Eiko/Barney: Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination - 

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Zidane/Dagger/Amarant/Vivi/Cid/Artania/Steiner: MAKE HER STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

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(suddenly, a spear appears, flying into Eiko/Barney's head, piercing a hole in it, Eiko jumps out of the suit, leaving the dying man in the suit there)

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Spear Throwing Person: Alright is everyone?

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Dagger: It must be Freya Crescent of Burmecia!

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Spear Throwing Person: Knowing Freya you do? _(comes out from the shadows)_

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Vivi: It's… Quina? What the hell?

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(the gang is amazed that Quina saved them, but even more amazed that Vivi "swore")

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Quina: _(nods, making his tongue wiggle and wobble)_ I so happy!

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Dagger: Ewwww! You can see bits and pieces of dead frogs in his mouth and on his tongue! Grossness! 

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Yuffie: _(whacks Dagger on the head with her shuriken) _That's MY line girlie! 

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Dagger: Um… Oh! My! Grossness!

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Yuffie: _(ponders) _Hm… a bit better… but still…_ (whacks her on the head again)_

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Dagger: OW! You stupid cow!_ (tackles Yuffie and begins beating the life out of her) _

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Zidane: Catfight! Meow! 

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(everyone's attention is broken from the dying guy in the Barney suit)

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Yuffie: Buttonhole!

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Dagger: It's butthole, stupid! _(slaps her across the face)_

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Eiko: YOU BIG POOPS! _(jumps in on both of them)_

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Zidane: If Freya were here, Beatrix too, the whole gang would be here, not to mention they could join in this catfight. 

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Beatrix: _(walks in holding three triplets, who are doing something… inside her dress o_0) _Honey!_ (jumps into Steiner's arms, dropping the three babies on their heads)_

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Baby #1: WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH_! (crawls over to Steiner and up his armour leg)_

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Baby #2: _(fights Baby #3 for a position back in mummy's arms) _Heeeeeeeeeeeyyya!

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Beatrix: Ohh, my bubby wubby poo, you weren't hurt by the biggy wiggy monster in the purple wurple suit were you? [A/N: She's not talking about the kids either!]

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Steiner: Sweet cheeks, it wounded me!

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Beatrix: Where art thou wounded, knight of my heart?

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Steiner: My brain is wounded. Barney's terrible singing rotted it.

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Eiko: Oh give it a rest. Even I wasn't this lovesick over Zidane.

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Zidane: You liked me? _(completely clueless)_

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Eiko: IT WAS MOG!_ (hides behind a scarred Yuffie)_

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Mog: Ku… ku…kupopo! 

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Zidane:_ (swoons and pulls Mog into his arms) _Moggy woggy poo! I knew you loved me too!

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Dagger: What about me, you doofus? _(kicks him where the sun don't shine)_

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Zidane: _(scathingly) _What about you? You have Quina!

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Dagger: Oh yes, I almost forgot. I love the scent of frogs on his breath! _(leaps on Quina's back)_

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Quina:_ (licks Dagger's hair) _I so happy!

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Dagger:_ (shudders) _Zidane, I want you back, baby.

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Mog: KUPOOO! (I love you Quina!)

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Zidane: _(as Mog continuously bounces on his head) _DAGGER!

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(Zidane and Dagger jump at each, but miss and fall on the floor)

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Zidane/Dagger: Ouchies…

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Cid: Anyway, our problem ahead is, well, I'm afraid *sniff* Cloud Strife is back.

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Everyone: Cloud Strife?

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Cid: Er… I meant Harry Potter.

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Steiner: NOT HARRY POTTER! HE HAS POWERS THAT SURPASS THE PRINCESS!

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Dagger: Queen.

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Steiner: Queen whom?

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Dagger: I am QUEEN Garnet, not Princess. I told you that in the last chapter.

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Steiner: _(clicks the back button and scrolls upwards) _Oh yes. I see. Sorry.

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Dagger: Apology accepted.

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Vivi: Gnarly man.

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Beatrix: Vivi?

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Vivi: Wazzup dudette?

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Beatrix: So, Regent Cid, how do we defeat this Harry Potter? _(salutes)_

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Cid: Well…..

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A/N: How will the FFIX Gang be able to defeat Harry Potter? Is Amarant over puke? Is Eiko still a bit Barney? Find out in the next episode of Dragon Ball Z! _(reads cue cards again)_ I meant to say A Week in the Life of Final Fantasy IX! R-E-V-I-E-W!!!! {{{I'm really sorry if the fonts and HTML tags are screwed}}}


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